It's not always easy! Yesterday was my first emotional freak out since moving to AZ. When I woke up, I walked across the street to the store, and while checking out, I realized I forgot my phone at home. I was excited at first because that's a big deal for me. PTSD tells me I have to have my phone on me AT ALL TIMES in case I need to call for help. As I was thinking, wow you feel safe enough here you didn't worry about your phone to walk across the street, I got hit with a panic attack. "What if someone comes after me? How will I let César know where I am if I'm kidnapped?" Plus, I'm PMS'ing. Pair that with the New Moon & Mercury is in retrograde... here comes kitty with a mohawk!
Through the day, I received some messages that sit heavy on my Spirit, and I went from cranky to a crying mess. All I could think to do was isolate myself so I don't affect anyone else. I couldn't stand myself, let alone make someone else have to deal with it. I put myself to bed at 7p, and channeled Reiki until I fell asleep.
I know sometimes it feels like a never ending battle, an ongoing war inside yourself. Don't worry, there comes a truce. That doesn't mean that everything will always be rainbows & butterflies, but the struggles lessen. The battles are fewer and farther in between. One day, you'll notice you didn't need one of your crutches (my cellphone) at all. It's O.K. if realization that you have no crutch causes a bit of anxiety too. Be easy on yourself, and take the small victory. Your soul was at peace enough to say, "Don't even think about that (safety net)". It's a small victory , a strengthening, and healing. Healing isn't for the weak or faint of heart. It requires the soul of a warrior. The ability to stare hell in the face, and to be able to relive some of our harshest moments to make sense and find peace in it all. It's telling the darkness you won't give up. It's as Linkin Park says, holding yourself up and loving your scars. ❤ Keep going... the voice of my Grama Betty reminds me, "Everything's O.K. in the end. If it's not O.K., it's not the end." ❤
